If you look up the definition of “family” in most dictionaries it usually involves the words ” parents” or “parent” plus “children”. It is inferred that the parent raised the children or lives with the children to form a bond or unit or family. To be honest, the traditional definition of family does not always reflect society today. As you know, the family may not always involve people who share the same biology or genetics. Family may not always mean they live under the same roof and family may not mean there is a marriage in common. Family, in my opinion, involves a group of people who love each other and would do almost anything to protect each other. Ideally, around family, you feel comfortable and safe.
My mother, father and grandmother holding younger brother. A trip to the USA
If your definition of family is a mother, father and children then by all accounts my family was broken when we moved to the United States. After many years of living in Nigeria, my British-raised Jamaican mother, two brothers and I chose not to return for various reasons. In Nigeria, I had been used to a very large extended family that had included my grandfather, his two wives, tons of cousins, older and younger aunts and uncles. On special occasions family dressed in the same fabric sewn by my grandmother or a seamstress. We usually wore lace or wax cloth otherwise known as Ankara. At my grandfather’s house, celebrations were big and food was abundant. I remember there were always a lot of people and I felt shy and timid. Sometimes I dreaded going to my grandfather’s house especially during prayer time. Muslims pray five times a day and because we didn’t in my immediate home I always felt awkward and judged for not doing the same. Religion specifically Islam was a big part of the culture.
With my mother and brothers in Northern Nigeria .
In northern Nigeria, the children belong to the father’s side and how we were to be raised or what schools we should go to and who or when we should marry was often dictated by the men. My parent’s arguments often involved my father telling my western mother what his father (my grandfather) expected us to do. In essence, the culture and family expected us to live by certain rules that did not necessarily align with my mother’s values. Individuals who veered too far away from the traditions were often reprimanded or punished. I often felt family and the society as a whole were too controlling and even suffocating at times. When I was out, I was always aware of people watching me making sure I behaved appropriately, feeling the pressure not only as the oldest child but as a female who bore the family’s name. I was a Tunau whose mother was a foreigner or “baturia” the term used for White people- although, in reality, my mother was not White just a fair-skinned Black woman.
Once we moved to the United States in 1986 it was a complete contrast to the privileged yet heavily regulated lifestyle I had experienced in Nigeria especially when it came to family. My family had shrunk and now just consisted of my mother, brothers, and her parents. I had some cousins here, but they were all much younger boys. Both my mother’s parents worked hard and had busy lives but were very supportive and did their best to help us adjust. My mother was now a single mother working hard to make sure my brothers and I went to college. She had initially hoped my father would join us but he chose not to and felt that because it was not his choice for us to move, he would not help us financially.
Pictured with my aunt and mother
Honestly, the first few years of living in New York City were terrifying and liberating all in one. No longer did we have a maid or house help or chauffeur. Instead, we walked to the bus top and took public transportation like all the other inner-city folk. Instead of a big house, we lived in my grandparent’s basement. Learning to survive on limited financial means was not easy nor was trying to blend in to avoid been recognized as someone naive and vulnerable in a new culture. On the other hand, I could live and no one seemed to care what I did or who I was. I had the freedom to reinvent myself. All my Jamaican grandparents would say was “don’t get pregnant”. Otherwise, they treated me like a responsible teenager who could make her own choices.
Fast forward to 30 years later. I am now married with my own family; a husband and three teenagers. My relationship with my husband is very different than that of my parents. Interestingly, like myself, my husband’s family is also multicultural. In his case, his parents were not only of a different religion and culture but also of a different race. As a couple, despite our outward superficial differences, we share similar values when it comes to raising our children and being a family. We are partners walking side by side. He or I are not inferior or superior to the other.
As a parent, I am very similar to my mother which is open and very affectionate. I am stern when I need to be but I respect my children’s opinions and treat them like intelligent beings. My children who are now teenagers can ask me anything and I mean anything, in fact, I often volunteer to tell them more than they ask.
When the children were babies we lived in New York City and my mother and Jamaican grandparents took a very active role in their lives. Over the last 14 years or so, we have lived in North Carolina and have grown to love it and call it home. My grandparents have since passed away. My mother still works and lives in New York and visits us in North Carolina whenever she can. In fact, she is making plans to retire in North Carolina, and on her last visit we toured some new homes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DeFJ7JTnmYM
As I look back now, I realize I am blessed to have had a family not only here in the United States but also across the world, we still have family in England where I was born and we have family in Jamaica where my mother was born and of course we still have tons of family in Nigeria. Thankfully we have the technology that allows us to stay in touch if we choose but of course, there is nothing like a real hug from family in person. Last year I got to see my father again after so many years: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifAWgef0QTk Who knows maybe one day I will get on a plane to see the rest of my family.
Feel free to leave me your thoughts below in the comment section. If you are feeling really generous then Share this blog post with someone else. Thank you!
Below is an older post you may find interesting :
https://www.habibatunaumd.com/healthfoodinspiration/what-makes-me-happy/
Anne Todd
July 12, 2020I am from Laurinburg and am a friend of Kathleen Purcell’s. You were on the board of Domestic Violence and Rape Crisis Center with us; you even had a Halloween party fundraiser for DVRCC at your beautiful house. You said you loved Halloween! I voted for Spencer, by the way, and appreciated the fresh perspective he brought to City Council. So glad I just found your wonderful blog. We are living in times of great fear and uncertainty and people are reacting in ways that make no sense. I so hope that some good will come of all of this turmoil. I so hope that we will wake up to the fact that we are all together in this world and should respect one another in every way.
Habiba Tunau
July 15, 2020Thank you Ms Todd for your comment. I appreciate it! Yes these are strange and scary times but I hope you are doing well and in good health. I also hope you come back soon. I plan to write a blog post at least weekly if not more. You can also find me on Youtube @ Kenton & Habiba .
Habiba Tunau
June 29, 2021Thank you so much for your kind words! Hope you are doing well!
Marjorie
May 28, 2020Habiba, I’ve read your story twice and each time I read, the strength and resilience of your mother makes me smile anew. Your story is proof and encouragement that strong women, and especially mothers, are relentless in their goals and will never accept “no”, “can’t”, or “impossible” as an option. May God’s richest blessings continue to envelope you and your beautiful family, and thanks for sharing your life with us.
Sheila Crew
December 7, 2019Hi Habiba. Nice to meet you and your beautiful family. You have an interesting background. I am originally from the NE Deanwood area of Washington DC. One of my work assignments allowed me to live in Fayetteville NC for six years. I now live in North Central Florida and retired with my only son. Thank you for sharing.
Habiba Tunau
May 4, 2020You are welcome and thank you for checking out my blog !
Anthonia jummai Okeze
November 13, 2019Awesome piece on family life.
God bless your mum for the sacrifices she made
I had wonderful parents too (God rest their souls)who were liberal with our choices of life partners.
My mum passed on last year at 61( too young to go) and i miss her alot.
She helped me out with my 3 kids while i was working as such i didnt feel the pressures most working mothers go through juggling work, home front and nursing babies.
I miss her a whole lot.
Habiba Tunau
November 13, 2019Thank you for reading my blog post and I hope you come bacK! So sorry for the loss of your mother! I can only imagine that kind of pain and loss. I am sure she is watching over you and your children.
Ochanya
November 13, 2019I loved your story and was particularly amused that your dad kept holding your hands at the meeting… no matter how old we get, we are still kids to our parents. Lol
Habiba Tunau
November 13, 2019Thank you for watching my video on Youtube and for commenting here! Look out for more blog posts! There are things I can say here that I could not on video.
Haruna
November 13, 2019Thank you for sharing!!
Absolute brilliance and encouraging.
Habiba Tunau
November 13, 2019Thank you so much and look out for more blog posts!
Ancel
November 6, 2019Thanks for sharing your story. I didnt know this much about your journey through life so far! Sending love cuz!
Habiba Tunau
November 7, 2019Thank you for taking the time to read it ! God bless and have a great holiday season!
Amaka
November 6, 2019Interesting write up
Habiba Tunau
November 7, 2019Thank you ! More to come (-:
Lubnq
November 6, 2019I was born and raised in northern Nigeria, my mother though originally Algerian, lived most of her youth in Nigeria. I am totally a northerner, but I myself struggle to embrace the culture. I just don’t accept the misogyny. My concience clashes with everything. I am 35 now, married with 3 boys, but I am still told how to behave. Every one polices you and feels is their responsibility to keep you in check. Trying to raise my sons differently is a huge challenge. I dont want them to have the mentality that women are inferior and dont really have a say. I try as much as I can to live freely though at a cost. I am very ambitious, and the point is, I want my boys to want to settle for a woman who is productive and independent. I teach them to cook and do chores so they understand is not a woman’s job. I relate with your story habeeba. Thanks for your truth.
Habiba Tunau
November 7, 2019I really appreciate your honesty! I am often supported by Eastern or southern Nigerians or Christian Nigerians and I always feel alienated by Northern or Muslim Nigerians when I complain or disagree so it is refreshing to note I am not the only one! God bless and keep trying to be the best mother to your sons.
Marj
November 13, 2019This was an interesting read.
Habiba Tunau
November 13, 2019Thank you
Melissa
November 6, 2019Love this so much! When I married my husband and before kids came along we made a point to intertwine our cultures so the girls would know both. We also made a point to let them know that they make their own choices in life as did we when we decided our little family comes first and then extended family after that. It made us so much closer as a family.
Habiba Tunau
November 7, 2019Thank you Melissa for sharing ! You have a beautiful family.